1. London
prices — Rip-off prices.
2. Sorry
— I’m not sorry.
3. Sorry
— You have just trodden on my foot, and I loathe you with every fibre of my
being.
4. Excuse
me — You have paused momentarily at the ticket barrier and I am boiling
with rage.
5. My
fault entirely — Your fault entirely.
6. I’m
fine, thanks — I am barely managing to conceal a churning maelstrom of
emotions.
7. How
are you? — Fine. Just say fine.
8. See
you Saturday! — Don’t forget to email me twice to make sure that we’re
actually meeting on Saturday.
9. Let’s
have lunch — Let’s walk to Pret and back as fast as we can.
10. I’m
having a party in Wimbledon, come along — Please travel for four and a half
hours as I live in the middle of bloody nowhere.
11. Open
for business — Oligarchs welcome.
12. Centre
of global finance — Money launderers’ paradise.
13. My
commute? It’s not too bad. About average — It involves three modes of
transport, takes hours each day, and is slowly crushing my spirit.
14. Could
you move down a bit please? — I’m not asking, I’m telling.
15. Could
you move down a bit please? — I am seconds away from a devastating mental
collapse.
16. Could
you move down a bit please? — If you don’t, I will start killing
indiscriminately.
17. Due
to adverse weather conditions — It was a bit windy earlier.
18. Due
to the wet weather conditions — A tiny amount of rain has fallen.
19. Please
take care when… — Don’t you dare blame us if…
20. We
apologise for the inconvenience caused — Via the medium of this dehumanised
pre-recorded message.
21. Due
to a signalling failure… — Due to an excuse we just made up…
22. Rail
replacement bus service — Slow, agonising descent into madness.
23. There
is a good service on all London Underground lines — Though this very much
depends how you define “good”.
24. Planned
engineering works — That’s your weekend plans fucked, then.
25. Would
Inspector Sands please report to the operations room immediately —
Ohgodohgod everybody panic, we’re all about to die.
26. Annual
fare increase — We’re rinsing you suckers for even more money. Again.
27. House
party in Tooting? See you there! — South of the river? No fucking chance.
28. I
live in Zone One — I am unimaginably wealthy.
29. The
area is really up and coming — Only one tramp shouts at me in the morning.
30. Vibrant
— Actual poor people live here.
31. Gentrification
— I am so glad they’re rid of the poor people.
32. Gentrified
— Oh bollocks now I can’t afford to live here either.
33. Efficient
use of space — Microscopic.
34. Studio
flat — Bedsit.
35. Incredible
potential — Absolute shithole.
36. Affordable
— Uninhabitable.
37. Deceptively
spacious — Basically a cupboard.
38. Good
transport links — There’s a bus stop 10 minutes’ walk away.
39. Authentic
— Fake.
40. I
just bought a flat — My parents just helped me buy a flat.
41. Swift
half — Many, many, many, many halves.
42. Quick
pint — In the pub until closing time.
43. We’re
going on a date — We’re getting pissed together.
44. Picnic
— Daytime piss-up.
45. Barbecue
— Piss-up in the garden.
46. South
London — Here be monsters.
47. West
London — Here be posh people.
48. East
London — Here be young people.
49. North
London — Here be newspaper columnists.
50. Oxford
Circus — Roiling hellscape.
51. Tech
city — Bunch of startups you’ve never heard of.
52. London
has some of the best restaurants in the world — So how come I always end up
at Nandos?
53. London
is full of cultural delights — Which I never visit.
54. Gourmet
coffee — Ludicrously overpriced coffee.
55. Exciting
pop-up restaurant — You guys like queuing, right?
56. We
have a no bookings policy — We hate our customers.
57. This
pub has character — This is not a gastropub, and I’m scared.
58. Traditional
boozer — Pub that does not serve wasabi peas.
59. What
do you do? — How much do you earn?
60. He
works in finance — He’s a psycho.
61. He
works in media — He’a a wanker.
62. He
works in PR — He’s a bullshitter.
63. He
works in tech — He’s got a blog.
64. Working
hours — Waking hours.
65. Greatest
city on earth — Apart from New York.
66. You
know what they say: He who is tired of London… — I am so tired of London.
