What People Say At Work v/s What They Mean

1. Breakout session – We will sit in a room and repeat very dull ideas.

2. As a team we need to break out of our individual silos – We all hate each other.

3. Let’s action this – I don’t understand the difference between nouns and verbs.

4. I’ll inbox you – I’m a bit of a twat.

5. Let’s take this offline – I’m a massive twat.

6. We wish X the best of luck in her new job – Burn in hell, traitor.

7. It’s been great working with you guys, and I’ll really miss this team – So long, suckers.

8. Our model is scalable – The company will either grow, or it’ll shrink. One of the two.

9. Skyrocketing revenues – Negligible profits.

10. Sharp uptick – Tiny, almost imperceptible increase.

11. CC – I am passive aggressively alerting as many senior people as possible to your fuck-up.

12. [On the phone] Could you put this in an email? – …Which I will ignore.

13. I’m going freelance – I miss daytime TV.

14. We are tax-efficient – We avoid paying tax.

15. I’m an SEO expert – I know how to put keywords in a headline.

16. I’m an analytics expert – I’ve got a Google Analytics login.

17. I’m a social media expert – I’m a bullshitter.

18. Ninja – Douchebag.

19. Community manager – Person who writes the tweets.

20. I’ve decided to step down – I’ve been given a massive pay-off.

21. We just had different visions for where the company was going – They found out I’d been embezzling funds.

22. In this brainstorm, there are no bad ideas – This brainstorm will be nothing but bad ideas.

23. Moving on to pastures new – Fired.

24. We’re restructuring the company – Everyone is fired.

25. We’ve brought in a team of consultants – Everyone is about to be fired.

26. You’re fired – I think I’m Alan Sugar.

27. By mutual agreement… – The boss thinks…

28. It’s time for a fresh challenge – I literally couldn’t stand being in the same room as you a day longer.

29. I can’t wait to get started! – I actually can, but everyone has to say this, right?

30. I’m taking a career break – I will be sitting in my pants watching Jeremy Kyle and crying for the next three months.

31. I’ve been offered a fantastic opportunity elsewhere – I’ve been offered more money.

32. Got time for a chat? – Prepare for the worst.

33. Can I have a word? – We will have many, many, many, many, many words.

34. Can I have a quick word? – I don’t have anything to discuss, I just like putting the fear of God into you.

35. Have you got a minute? – You’ve got a minute.

36. We need to develop a more agile workflow – We should probably stop titting about on Facebook all day.

37. Quick pint after work – Several pints after work, and quite possibly some shots too.

38. Merger – Excuse to fire everybody.

39. Following the restructuring, X will be taking on some additional responsibilities – We have chosen our fall guy and are setting them up to take all the blame for our fuck-ups.

40. Morning Team! – Everyone hates me.

41. Exciting new position – It isn’t an exciting position.

42. I’ve been recently reading the biography of Steve Jobs – I am not Steve Jobs and never will be.

43. Core values – Making money.

44. This is a really great opportunity for our business – We’re sooooooooo screwed.

45. I don’t think there’s ever been a more exciting time to be working in this field – We’re soooooooooo, sooooooooooooooo screwed.

46. The Chinese symbol for ‘crisis’ is a combination of the symbols for ‘danger’ and ‘opportunity’ – We are so profoundly screwed you wouldn’t believe.

47. Company awayday – Must we?

48. I know how to code – I know how to italicise things in HTML.

49. Let’s park this for now – Let’s never mention this ever again.

50. Welcome to the company, lovely to meet you! – Get promoted above me and I will cut you.

51. I’m an experienced manager – I bought a book from WHSmith on being a manager.

52. I’m working from home today – I’m not doing any work today.

53. I’ve got the lurgy – I’m hungover.

54. I’ve got man flu – I’m hungover.

55. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment – I’m hungover.

56. We should run this past legal – We should have someone else to blame in case this goes tits up.

57. It’s been a challenging year – We’re totally fucked.

58. We’re seeking new revenue streams – We’re broke.

59. We’re restructuring our financing – We’re broke but not ready to admit it.

60. The economic outlook is uncertain – The economic outlook is apocalyptic.

61. The company is perfectly positioned to meet the tough economic challenges ahead – The end is nigh.

62. It’s been a great year – For our shareholders.

63. The success we’ve had is down to every single one of you – We’re all getting bonuses. You’re not.

64. The door to my office is always open – I wish facilities would bloody fix it.

65. Happy birthday! – We’ve never spoken. Why am I signing this?

66. Pub after work? Can’t, I’ve got plans I’m afraid – I’ve spent quite enough time with you people for one day.

67. Anyone fancy a cup of tea? – Offer strictly limited to the three people in my immediate vicinity.

68. Nipping to the shops, anyone want anything? – Within reason. I’m not your fucking dogsbody.

69. What are you eating there? Looks nice – I’m on the 5:2 diet and I’m so hungry and miserable I could scream.

70. Cycled to work, eh? Good for you – You smug bastard.

71. I want more responsibility – I want a pay rise.

72. I’m giving a presentation – I’ve put some boring graphs together in PowerPoint.

73. In my last company… – What I’m about to say is totally irrelevant.

74. Team player – Has basic social skills, is not an outright sociopath.

75. This is beyond my remit – I can’t be arsed to deal with this.

76. I’ll take your ideas on board – I’ll steal your ideas and take credit for them.

77. He’s certainly ambitious – He’s appalling.

78. It’s been a pleasure working with you – I’ve forgotten you already.

79. How’s the wife? – I’ve forgotten your wife’s name.

80. How are the kids? – I’ve forgotten your kids’ names.

81. How are things at home? – I’ve forgotten everything about you.

82. How was your weekend? – It’s Monday or Tuesday.

83. What are you up to this weekend? – It’s Thursday or Friday.

84. …. – It’s Wednesday.

85. Come intern for us – Come work for us for no money indefinitely. It’s illegal, but hey.

86. He’s intensely results-driven – He’s a psycho.

87. Doesn’t suffer fools gladly – Merciless bastard.

88. He’s the office entertainer – Total wanker.

89. She’ll go far – She’s terrifying.

90. He’s straight-talking – Every other word is “fuck”.

91. Best wishes – I’m dying inside.

92. Regards – This job is slowly killing me.

93. Xxxxxx – I’m overly affectionate.

94. XOX – I’m zany.

95. :-) – I’m childish.

96. x – I typed this by mistake. Awkward.

97. Cheers! – I hate you!

98. Yours – Up yours.

99. Kind regards – Go fuck yourself.

What Londoners Say v/s What They Mean

1. London prices — Rip-off prices.

2. Sorry — I’m not sorry.

3. Sorry — You have just trodden on my foot, and I loathe you with every fibre of my being.

4. Excuse me — You have paused momentarily at the ticket barrier and I am boiling with rage.

5. My fault entirely — Your fault entirely.

6. I’m fine, thanks — I am barely managing to conceal a churning maelstrom of emotions.

7. How are you? — Fine. Just say fine.

8. See you Saturday! — Don’t forget to email me twice to make sure that we’re actually meeting on Saturday.

9. Let’s have lunch — Let’s walk to Pret and back as fast as we can.

10. I’m having a party in Wimbledon, come along — Please travel for four and a half hours as I live in the middle of bloody nowhere.

11. Open for business — Oligarchs welcome.

12. Centre of global finance — Money launderers’ paradise.

13. My commute? It’s not too bad. About average — It involves three modes of transport, takes hours each day, and is slowly crushing my spirit.

14. Could you move down a bit please? — I’m not asking, I’m telling.

15. Could you move down a bit please? — I am seconds away from a devastating mental collapse.

16. Could you move down a bit please? — If you don’t, I will start killing indiscriminately.

17. Due to adverse weather conditions — It was a bit windy earlier.

18. Due to the wet weather conditions — A tiny amount of rain has fallen.

19. Please take care when… — Don’t you dare blame us if…

20. We apologise for the inconvenience caused — Via the medium of this dehumanised pre-recorded message.

21. Due to a signalling failure… — Due to an excuse we just made up…

22. Rail replacement bus service — Slow, agonising descent into madness.

23. There is a good service on all London Underground lines — Though this very much depends how you define “good”.

24. Planned engineering works — That’s your weekend plans fucked, then.

25. Would Inspector Sands please report to the operations room immediately — Ohgodohgod everybody panic, we’re all about to die.

26. Annual fare increase — We’re rinsing you suckers for even more money. Again.

27. House party in Tooting? See you there! — South of the river? No fucking chance.

28. I live in Zone One — I am unimaginably wealthy.

29. The area is really up and coming — Only one tramp shouts at me in the morning.

30. Vibrant — Actual poor people live here.

31. Gentrification — I am so glad they’re rid of the poor people.

32. Gentrified — Oh bollocks now I can’t afford to live here either.

33. Efficient use of space — Microscopic.

34. Studio flat — Bedsit.

35. Incredible potential — Absolute shithole.

36. Affordable — Uninhabitable.

37. Deceptively spacious — Basically a cupboard.

38. Good transport links — There’s a bus stop 10 minutes’ walk away.

39. Authentic — Fake.

40. I just bought a flat — My parents just helped me buy a flat.

41. Swift half — Many, many, many, many halves.

42. Quick pint — In the pub until closing time.

43. We’re going on a date — We’re getting pissed together.

44. Picnic — Daytime piss-up.

45. Barbecue — Piss-up in the garden.

46. South London — Here be monsters.

47. West London — Here be posh people.

48. East London — Here be young people.

49. North London — Here be newspaper columnists.

50. Oxford Circus — Roiling hellscape.

51. Tech city — Bunch of startups you’ve never heard of.

52. London has some of the best restaurants in the world — So how come I always end up at Nandos?

53. London is full of cultural delights — Which I never visit.

54. Gourmet coffee — Ludicrously overpriced coffee.

55. Exciting pop-up restaurant — You guys like queuing, right?

56. We have a no bookings policy — We hate our customers.

57. This pub has character — This is not a gastropub, and I’m scared.

58. Traditional boozer — Pub that does not serve wasabi peas.

59. What do you do? — How much do you earn?

60. He works in finance — He’s a psycho.

61. He works in media — He’a a wanker.

62. He works in PR — He’s a bullshitter.

63. He works in tech — He’s got a blog.

64. Working hours — Waking hours.

65. Greatest city on earth — Apart from New York.

66. You know what they say: He who is tired of London… — I am so tired of London.

What British People Say v/s What They Mean

1. Blitz spirit – The collective quality of quiet heroism which enables us to withstand calamities such as a tube strike, hosepipe ban, or 5cm of snow.

2. Dunkirk spirit – Stoical and good-natured response to flooding, usually involving the stockpiling of sandbags.

3. Bank holiday – Three-day drinking binge.

4. Public holiday – Excuse for being pissed from lunchtime.

5. Christmas day – Excuse for being pissed by 10am.

6. Christmas break – Fourteen uninterrupted days of Baileys-soaked indolence.

7. Boxing day sales – Zombie apocalypse.

8. The bit between Christmas and New Year – Bizarre state of purgatory during which we rehearse for old age by shambling round the house asking each other what day it is.

9. Whose round is it? – I know exactly whose round it is.

10. Excuse me, I think I was actually ahead of you in the queue – You are loathsome and I am inwardly fantasising about your slow and agonising death.

11. No, no, after you – We are locked in a politeness vortex. This may never end.

12. Tea or coffee? – The choice you make will colour my opinion of you, possibly forever.

13. Milk, sugar? – Careful now: There is a right and wrong answer to this.

14. Milk, no sugar please – Is the correct answer.

15. Two sugars, please – I am a manual labourer.

16. I don’t drink tea – I am not to be trusted.

17. Fond of a drink – Raging alcoholic.

18. The odd tipple – I throw gallons of booze down my neck at every available opportunity.

19. Eurosceptic politician – Appalling racist.

20. Provocative newspaper columnist – Git.

21. Conservative MP – Git who went to Eton.

22. Doesn’t suffer fools gladly – Heartless bastard.

23. A bit of a character – Social pariah.

24. Did you find the place OK? – We will now have a painfully detailed five-minute conversation about the relative merits of different A roads.

25. Ooh, nice – You have just told me where you’ve been on holiday.

26. Ooh, nice – You have just told me where you live.

27. Ooh, nice – You have just told me what you had for lunch.

28. Ooh, nice – You have just told me your weekend plans.

29. … – You have just unburdened yourself emotionally to me.

30. Well, we timed this well – We have made a car journey and experienced only moderate traffic.

31. What do you make of this weather we’ve been having? – We have nothing in common, but I’d like to avoid an awkward silence if at all possible.

32. Record-breaking temperatures – Middling temperatures.

33. Summertime – Two-week period of collective insanity during which men think it’s acceptable to walk down the high street with their shirts off.

34. Would you listen to that rain – There is nothing remarkable about this rain, but I’m going to mention it anyway.

35. You’re looking well – You’ve obviously been going to the gym, and I secretly hate you for it.

36. I think I’ve caught the sun a bit – My skin is roughly the colour of an overheating nuclear reactor.

37. Out of town shopping centre – Circle of hell.

38. High street – Row of bettin shops.

39. Town centre nightclub – Horrendous meat market.

40. Urban redevelopment – We’ve got a Zizzi now.

41. Where do you live? – How expensive is your house?

42. What do you do? – How much do you earn?

43. New money – Rich person I am jealous of.

44. Old money – Rich person I am deferential to.

45. Fine – I disagree with what you just said with every fibre of my being.

46. Nonsense. Don’t mention it – You have wronged me, and I will replay this incident in my head until the day I die.

47. Mustn’t grumble – Will definitely grumble.

48. Let’s agree to disagree – I loathe you with an intensity that will burn within my soul for all eternity.

49. With the greatest respect – I think you’re a total moron.

50. Let’s come back to that – Please do not speak in this meeting again.

51. Correct me if I’m wrong – I am 100% certain I am not wrong.

52. With all due respect – I disagree with your point of view entirely.

53. Sounds good – I wish this didn’t sound sarcastic.

54. Sounds great – Oh god, this sounds even more sarcastic, doesn’t it?

55. Yeah, go on then, why not? – I will be having another drink, if not several.

56. I’m fine – I am moments away from a devastating mental collapse.

57. I’ll bear it in mind – Let us never mention this again.

58. I’m sure it’s my fault – It’s your fault.

59. Chuffed – Experiencing heart-racing euphoria.

60. Not too bad, actually – I’m possibly the happiest I have ever been.

61. A bit miffed – I’ve been ripped apart by a tsunami of pain and sorrow.

62. Down in the dumps – Severe depressive episode.

63. Under the weather – Close to death.

64. Gutted – Suicidal.

65. Peeved – Consumed with rage.

66. Can’t complain – But I’m going to anyway.

67. Oh dear – A life-altering catastrophe has just occurred.

68. You must come round for dinner – Under no circumstances should you consider this an actual invitation.

69. Let’s meet up for a drink soon – This will never, ever, ever happen.

70. Something’s come up, I’m afraid – I’ve decided I can’t face an evening in your company after all.

71. Dinner party – Excuse for drinking lots of wine and shouting about how good Breaking Bad is.

72. Would you like a tour of the house? – Our house is worth a lot of money and we would like to show off about it.

73. House party – Overrated event during which acquaintances argue over what to play next on Spotify for four hours, then vomit on the sofa.

74. I’m going to Glastonbury – And I’m going to keep banging on about it until it makes you want to karate chop me in the larynx.

75. I’m going to Reading and Leeds – I used to be an emo and I can’t let it go.

76. I’m going to V Festival – I am the star of a second-rate scripted reality show.

77. I’m going to Latitude – I’m a Guardian reader.

78. I’m going to Bestival – I am a 40-something former raver.

79. I’m going to T in the Park – It’s 10 days away and I have started drinking already.

80. Mate – You are very much not my mate, and there is a strong chance I am about to punch you.

81. Mate – I didn’t catch your name when we were introduced, and it’s too late now to ask.

82. Matey – I like to think I’m a lovable salt-of-the-earth Cockney, despite having gone to Harrow.

83. Guv – I am a London cab driver, and will now tell you my views on immigration.

83. Fella – I think I’m Vinny Jones.

84. Bruv – I think I’m Danny Dyer.

85. Dude – I am trying very hard to sound American, and it’s really awkward for everyone concerned.

86. Sorry – You have just trodden on my foot.

87. Sorry – You have just bumped into me and caused me to spill an entire tray of drinks.

88. Sorry – You have just fallen asleep on the tube and drooled on my shoulder.

89. Sorry – You have just smashed into the back of my car.

90. You look nice – You have never looked more beautiful.

91. Alright you fat wanker, what are you drinking? – You are my best friend and I love you.

Versace Spring/Summer 2015 Campaign

 Photographed by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott

 

 

 

 

V Magazine

L'Uomo Magazine

 

Because of the Internet, or because we’ve acquired some kind of maturity vis-à-vis the mass media, celebrities’ social role has changed in recent years. It’s not that they’re less interesting but now we demand greater transparency.   

Consequently, many have rediscovered art’s ancient function as a public conscience and they use their media leverage for social purposes. An example? Madonna; who is not only still the greatest pop icon of our time, but also the one most committed to the fight for human rights, as demonstrated by her frequent public statements, her humanitarian work in Malawi and her recent project Secretprojectrevolution and Art For Freedom.

 

Secretprojectrevolution is a short film co-directed with Steven Klein. It calls for a "Love revolution […] a revolution of independent thought, of having your own opinion and not giving a damn about what people say".   

The movie has an autobiographical slant and reflects the many battles against stereotyping that Madonna has fought in her life. "How can you create art without becoming involved?", says Miss Ciccone. "I like to compare myself to Frida Kahlo: everything she did was a self-portrait".

 

The movie was intended as the advertising campaign for her lingerie range, but Secretprojectrevolution turned into a manifesto against oppression. It is founded on a sensuous, noir choreography featuring scenes of masochism shot in the labyrinth of rooms of a former prison in Buenos Aires.   

Madonna alternately plays the roles of prisoner and torturer, accompanied by political messages about control and punishment. "Sometimes we are the victims of oppression, other times we imprison ourselves", she says. "The movie is an example of the paradoxical world we live in".

 

Art For Freedom is the next stage on from the movie. It is a digital platform in association with Vice Media that hosts videos, photos, illustrations and documentation of performances addressing intolerance and persecution. "There was a time when art reflected what was happening in society", she proceeds, pensively. "Artists like Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, Richard Pryor or Jean-Luc Godard made political statements through their art". The object of Art For Freedom is "to encourage people to believe that we can bring about change in the world through art" and a cry of protest against the commoditization of creativity. 

Her greatest source of inspiration is the writer and activist James Baldwin, who has spoken at length of an artist’s responsibility in society. "By allowing ourselves to be consumed by corporate branding, worrying about having the approval of others and promoting only what is acceptable and popular, we destroy our art and everything about it that’s unique", Madonna states.

 

At the start of her career, in New York, she belonged to the East Village artistic community and she was friends with Jean-Michel Basquiat and Keith Haring, who addressed social issues through art in a direct way, as do many artists in Art For Freedom. "Hanging out with Keith and Jean-Michel deeply influenced me", she recalls. "Their approach to art was aimed at making it accessible to people, in the subway, on the street. It wasn’t elitist, you didn’t have to pay for it, go to a museum or gallery or frequent rich people, you could be anyone". 

Art For Freedom fights stereotypes, bigotry and discrimination, and promotes civil rights and the acceptance of diversity. "There are enemies, tyrants, fascists and dictators, people who destroy other people’s lives or take away their freedom: like Putin or the president of Venezuela", the star continues, fervently. "In actual fact, the enemy is inside us. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we constantly discriminate against and judge others. So the first thing we have to change is ourselves. All the great leaders said that, like Gandhi, Martin Luther King, John Kennedy and Nelson Mandela".

 

After Pussy Riot’s arrest, Madonna gave a speech defending gay rights at her show in St Petersburg in 2012. Eighty-seven people were arrested that evening and the star was fined one million dollars. Other times she’s been booed, censored and threatened with death, but nothing stops her. "I’m willing to sacrifice all in the name of human rights", she declares, "apart from my children".   

Her next album will be connected with Art For Freedom. And we can expect to see her increasingly involved and committed. "I have no choice. At this point, there’s no turning back. This is my role in the world, my work as an artist. I have a voice and I have to use it". 

Far from the walls of museums, which a growing number of pop stars aspire to cross, Madonna’s statements and her resolve echo the words of Baldwin. They are meant for other artists in the hope of awakening them to their potential as agents, if they so wish, of social change and leaders of a more democratic, civilized society.