Thursday, December 04, 2014

What People Say At Work v/s What They Mean

1. Breakout session – We will sit in a room and repeat very dull ideas.
2. As a team we need to break out of our individual silos – We all hate each other.
3. Let’s action this – I don’t understand the difference between nouns and verbs.
4. I’ll inbox you – I’m a bit of a twat.
5. Let’s take this offline – I’m a massive twat.
6. We wish X the best of luck in her new job – Burn in hell, traitor.
7. It’s been great working with you guys, and I’ll really miss this team – So long, suckers.
8. Our model is scalable – The company will either grow, or it’ll shrink. One of the two.
9. Skyrocketing revenues – Negligible profits.
10. Sharp uptick – Tiny, almost imperceptible increase.
11. CC – I am passive aggressively alerting as many senior people as possible to your fuck-up.
12. [On the phone] Could you put this in an email? – …Which I will ignore.
13. I’m going freelance – I miss daytime TV.
14. We are tax-efficient – We avoid paying tax.
15. I’m an SEO expert – I know how to put keywords in a headline.
16. I’m an analytics expert – I’ve got a Google Analytics login.
17. I’m a social media expert – I’m a bullshitter.
18. Ninja – Douchebag.
19. Community manager – Person who writes the tweets.
20. I’ve decided to step down – I’ve been given a massive pay-off.
21. We just had different visions for where the company was going – They found out I’d been embezzling funds.
22. In this brainstorm, there are no bad ideas – This brainstorm will be nothing but bad ideas.
23. Moving on to pastures new – Fired.
24. We’re restructuring the company – Everyone is fired.
25. We’ve brought in a team of consultants – Everyone is about to be fired.
26. You’re fired – I think I’m Alan Sugar.
27. By mutual agreement… – The boss thinks…
28. It’s time for a fresh challenge – I literally couldn’t stand being in the same room as you a day longer.
29. I can’t wait to get started! – I actually can, but everyone has to say this, right?
30. I’m taking a career break – I will be sitting in my pants watching Jeremy Kyle and crying for the next three months.
31. I’ve been offered a fantastic opportunity elsewhere – I’ve been offered more money.
32. Got time for a chat? – Prepare for the worst.
33. Can I have a word? – We will have many, many, many, many, many words.
34. Can I have a quick word? – I don’t have anything to discuss, I just like putting the fear of God into you.
35. Have you got a minute? – You’ve got a minute.
36. We need to develop a more agile workflow – We should probably stop titting about on Facebook all day.
37. Quick pint after work – Several pints after work, and quite possibly some shots too.
38. Merger – Excuse to fire everybody.
39. Following the restructuring, X will be taking on some additional responsibilities – We have chosen our fall guy and are setting them up to take all the blame for our fuck-ups.
40. Morning Team! – Everyone hates me.
41. Exciting new position – It isn’t an exciting position.
42. I’ve been recently reading the biography of Steve Jobs – I am not Steve Jobs and never will be.
43. Core values – Making money.
44. This is a really great opportunity for our business – We’re sooooooooo screwed.
45. I don’t think there’s ever been a more exciting time to be working in this field – We’re soooooooooo, sooooooooooooooo screwed.
46. The Chinese symbol for ‘crisis’ is a combination of the symbols for ‘danger’ and ‘opportunity’ – We are so profoundly screwed you wouldn’t believe.
47. Company awayday – Must we?
48. I know how to code – I know how to italicise things in HTML.
49. Let’s park this for now – Let’s never mention this ever again.
50. Welcome to the company, lovely to meet you! – Get promoted above me and I will cut you.
51. I’m an experienced manager – I bought a book from WHSmith on being a manager.
52. I’m working from home today – I’m not doing any work today.
53. I’ve got the lurgy – I’m hungover.
54. I’ve got man flu – I’m hungover.
55. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment – I’m hungover.
56. We should run this past legal – We should have someone else to blame in case this goes tits up.
57. It’s been a challenging year – We’re totally fucked.
58. We’re seeking new revenue streams – We’re broke.
59. We’re restructuring our financing – We’re broke but not ready to admit it.
60. The economic outlook is uncertain – The economic outlook is apocalyptic.
61. The company is perfectly positioned to meet the tough economic challenges ahead – The end is nigh.
62. It’s been a great year – For our shareholders.
63. The success we’ve had is down to every single one of you – We’re all getting bonuses. You’re not.
64. The door to my office is always open – I wish facilities would bloody fix it.
65. Happy birthday! – We’ve never spoken. Why am I signing this?
66. Pub after work? Can’t, I’ve got plans I’m afraid – I’ve spent quite enough time with you people for one day.
67. Anyone fancy a cup of tea? – Offer strictly limited to the three people in my immediate vicinity.
68. Nipping to the shops, anyone want anything? – Within reason. I’m not your fucking dogsbody.
69. What are you eating there? Looks nice – I’m on the 5:2 diet and I’m so hungry and miserable I could scream.
70. Cycled to work, eh? Good for you – You smug bastard.
71. I want more responsibility – I want a pay rise.
72. I’m giving a presentation – I’ve put some boring graphs together in PowerPoint.
73. In my last company… – What I’m about to say is totally irrelevant.
74. Team player – Has basic social skills, is not an outright sociopath.
75. This is beyond my remit – I can’t be arsed to deal with this.
76. I’ll take your ideas on board – I’ll steal your ideas and take credit for them.
77. He’s certainly ambitious – He’s appalling.
78. It’s been a pleasure working with you – I’ve forgotten you already.
79. How’s the wife? – I’ve forgotten your wife’s name.
80. How are the kids? – I’ve forgotten your kids’ names.
81. How are things at home? – I’ve forgotten everything about you.
82. How was your weekend? – It’s Monday or Tuesday.
83. What are you up to this weekend? – It’s Thursday or Friday.
84. …. – It’s Wednesday.
85. Come intern for us – Come work for us for no money indefinitely. It’s illegal, but hey.
86. He’s intensely results-driven – He’s a psycho.
87. Doesn’t suffer fools gladly – Merciless bastard.
88. He’s the office entertainer – Total wanker.
89. She’ll go far – She’s terrifying.
90. He’s straight-talking – Every other word is “fuck”.
91. Best wishes – I’m dying inside.
92. Regards – This job is slowly killing me.
93. Xxxxxx – I’m overly affectionate.
94. XOX – I’m zany.
95. :-) – I’m childish.
96. x – I typed this by mistake. Awkward.
97. Cheers! – I hate you!
98. Yours – Up yours.
99. Kind regards – Go fuck yourself.
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What Londoners Say v/s What They Mean



1. London prices — Rip-off prices.
2. Sorry — I’m not sorry.
3. Sorry — You have just trodden on my foot, and I loathe you with every fibre of my being.
4. Excuse me — You have paused momentarily at the ticket barrier and I am boiling with rage.
5. My fault entirely — Your fault entirely.
6. I’m fine, thanks — I am barely managing to conceal a churning maelstrom of emotions.
7. How are you? — Fine. Just say fine.
8. See you Saturday! — Don’t forget to email me twice to make sure that we’re actually meeting on Saturday.
9. Let’s have lunch — Let’s walk to Pret and back as fast as we can.
10. I’m having a party in Wimbledon, come along — Please travel for four and a half hours as I live in the middle of bloody nowhere.
11. Open for business — Oligarchs welcome.
12. Centre of global finance — Money launderers’ paradise.
13. My commute? It’s not too bad. About average — It involves three modes of transport, takes hours each day, and is slowly crushing my spirit.
14. Could you move down a bit please? — I’m not asking, I’m telling.
15. Could you move down a bit please? — I am seconds away from a devastating mental collapse.
16. Could you move down a bit please? — If you don’t, I will start killing indiscriminately.
17. Due to adverse weather conditions — It was a bit windy earlier.
18. Due to the wet weather conditions — A tiny amount of rain has fallen.
19. Please take care when… — Don’t you dare blame us if…
20. We apologise for the inconvenience caused — Via the medium of this dehumanised pre-recorded message.
21. Due to a signalling failure… — Due to an excuse we just made up…
22. Rail replacement bus service — Slow, agonising descent into madness.
23. There is a good service on all London Underground lines — Though this very much depends how you define “good”.
24. Planned engineering works — That’s your weekend plans fucked, then.
25. Would Inspector Sands please report to the operations room immediately — Ohgodohgod everybody panic, we’re all about to die.
26. Annual fare increase — We’re rinsing you suckers for even more money. Again.
27. House party in Tooting? See you there! — South of the river? No fucking chance.
28. I live in Zone One — I am unimaginably wealthy.
29. The area is really up and coming — Only one tramp shouts at me in the morning.
30. Vibrant — Actual poor people live here.
31. Gentrification — I am so glad they’re rid of the poor people.
32. Gentrified — Oh bollocks now I can’t afford to live here either.
33. Efficient use of space — Microscopic.
34. Studio flat — Bedsit.
35. Incredible potential — Absolute shithole.
36. Affordable — Uninhabitable.
37. Deceptively spacious — Basically a cupboard.
38. Good transport links — There’s a bus stop 10 minutes’ walk away.
39. Authentic — Fake.
40. I just bought a flat — My parents just helped me buy a flat.
41. Swift half — Many, many, many, many halves.
42. Quick pint — In the pub until closing time.
43. We’re going on a date — We’re getting pissed together.
44. Picnic — Daytime piss-up.
45. Barbecue — Piss-up in the garden.
46. South London — Here be monsters.
47. West London — Here be posh people.
48. East London — Here be young people.
49. North London — Here be newspaper columnists.
50. Oxford Circus — Roiling hellscape.
51. Tech city — Bunch of startups you’ve never heard of.
52. London has some of the best restaurants in the world — So how come I always end up at Nandos?
53. London is full of cultural delights — Which I never visit.
54. Gourmet coffee — Ludicrously overpriced coffee.
55. Exciting pop-up restaurant — You guys like queuing, right?
56. We have a no bookings policy — We hate our customers.
57. This pub has character — This is not a gastropub, and I’m scared.
58. Traditional boozer — Pub that does not serve wasabi peas.
59. What do you do? — How much do you earn?
60. He works in finance — He’s a psycho.
61. He works in media — He’a a wanker.
62. He works in PR — He’s a bullshitter.
63. He works in tech — He’s got a blog.
64. Working hours — Waking hours.
65. Greatest city on earth — Apart from New York.
66. You know what they say: He who is tired of London… — I am so tired of London.
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What British People Say v/s What They Mean



1. Blitz spirit – The collective quality of quiet heroism which enables us to withstand calamities such as a tube strike, hosepipe ban, or 5cm of snow.
2. Dunkirk spirit – Stoical and good-natured response to flooding, usually involving the stockpiling of sandbags.
3. Bank holiday – Three-day drinking binge.
4. Public holiday – Excuse for being pissed from lunchtime.
5. Christmas day – Excuse for being pissed by 10am.
6. Christmas break – Fourteen uninterrupted days of Baileys-soaked indolence.
7. Boxing day sales – Zombie apocalypse.
8. The bit between Christmas and New Year – Bizarre state of purgatory during which we rehearse for old age by shambling round the house asking each other what day it is.
9. Whose round is it? – I know exactly whose round it is.
10. Excuse me, I think I was actually ahead of you in the queue – You are loathsome and I am inwardly fantasising about your slow and agonising death.
11. No, no, after you – We are locked in a politeness vortex. This may never end.
12. Tea or coffee? – The choice you make will colour my opinion of you, possibly forever.
13. Milk, sugar? – Careful now: There is a right and wrong answer to this.
14. Milk, no sugar please – Is the correct answer.
15. Two sugars, please – I am a manual labourer.
16. I don’t drink tea – I am not to be trusted.
17. Fond of a drink – Raging alcoholic.
18. The odd tipple – I throw gallons of booze down my neck at every available opportunity.
19. Eurosceptic politician – Appalling racist.
20. Provocative newspaper columnist – Git.
21. Conservative MP – Git who went to Eton.
22. Doesn’t suffer fools gladly – Heartless bastard.
23. A bit of a character – Social pariah.
24. Did you find the place OK? – We will now have a painfully detailed five-minute conversation about the relative merits of different A roads.
25. Ooh, nice – You have just told me where you’ve been on holiday.
26. Ooh, nice – You have just told me where you live.
27. Ooh, nice – You have just told me what you had for lunch.
28. Ooh, nice – You have just told me your weekend plans.
29. … – You have just unburdened yourself emotionally to me.
30. Well, we timed this well – We have made a car journey and experienced only moderate traffic.
31. What do you make of this weather we’ve been having? – We have nothing in common, but I’d like to avoid an awkward silence if at all possible.
32. Record-breaking temperatures – Middling temperatures.
33. Summertime – Two-week period of collective insanity during which men think it’s acceptable to walk down the high street with their shirts off.
34. Would you listen to that rain – There is nothing remarkable about this rain, but I’m going to mention it anyway.
35. You’re looking well – You’ve obviously been going to the gym, and I secretly hate you for it.
36. I think I’ve caught the sun a bit – My skin is roughly the colour of an overheating nuclear reactor.
37. Out of town shopping centre – Circle of hell.
38. High street – Row of bettin shops.
39. Town centre nightclub – Horrendous meat market.
40. Urban redevelopment – We’ve got a Zizzi now.
41. Where do you live? – How expensive is your house?
42. What do you do? – How much do you earn?
43. New money – Rich person I am jealous of.
44. Old money – Rich person I am deferential to.
45. Fine – I disagree with what you just said with every fibre of my being.
46. Nonsense. Don’t mention it – You have wronged me, and I will replay this incident in my head until the day I die.
47. Mustn’t grumble – Will definitely grumble.
48. Let’s agree to disagree – I loathe you with an intensity that will burn within my soul for all eternity.
49. With the greatest respect – I think you’re a total moron.
50. Let’s come back to that – Please do not speak in this meeting again.
51. Correct me if I’m wrong – I am 100% certain I am not wrong.
52. With all due respect – I disagree with your point of view entirely.
53. Sounds good – I wish this didn’t sound sarcastic.
54. Sounds great – Oh god, this sounds even more sarcastic, doesn’t it?
55. Yeah, go on then, why not? – I will be having another drink, if not several.
56. I’m fine – I am moments away from a devastating mental collapse.
57. I’ll bear it in mind – Let us never mention this again.
58. I’m sure it’s my fault – It’s your fault.
59. Chuffed – Experiencing heart-racing euphoria.
60. Not too bad, actually – I’m possibly the happiest I have ever been.
61. A bit miffed – I’ve been ripped apart by a tsunami of pain and sorrow.
62. Down in the dumps – Severe depressive episode.
63. Under the weather – Close to death.
64. Gutted – Suicidal.
65. Peeved – Consumed with rage.
66. Can’t complain – But I’m going to anyway.
67. Oh dear – A life-altering catastrophe has just occurred.
68. You must come round for dinner – Under no circumstances should you consider this an actual invitation.
69. Let’s meet up for a drink soon – This will never, ever, ever happen.
70. Something’s come up, I’m afraid – I’ve decided I can’t face an evening in your company after all.
71. Dinner party – Excuse for drinking lots of wine and shouting about how good Breaking Bad is.
72. Would you like a tour of the house? – Our house is worth a lot of money and we would like to show off about it.
73. House party – Overrated event during which acquaintances argue over what to play next on Spotify for four hours, then vomit on the sofa.
74. I’m going to Glastonbury – And I’m going to keep banging on about it until it makes you want to karate chop me in the larynx.
75. I’m going to Reading and Leeds – I used to be an emo and I can’t let it go.
76. I’m going to V Festival – I am the star of a second-rate scripted reality show.
77. I’m going to Latitude – I’m a Guardian reader.
78. I’m going to Bestival – I am a 40-something former raver.
79. I’m going to T in the Park – It’s 10 days away and I have started drinking already.
80. Mate – You are very much not my mate, and there is a strong chance I am about to punch you.
81. Mate – I didn’t catch your name when we were introduced, and it’s too late now to ask.
82. Matey – I like to think I’m a lovable salt-of-the-earth Cockney, despite having gone to Harrow.
83. Guv – I am a London cab driver, and will now tell you my views on immigration.
83. Fella – I think I’m Vinny Jones.
84. Bruv – I think I’m Danny Dyer.
85. Dude – I am trying very hard to sound American, and it’s really awkward for everyone concerned.
86. Sorry – You have just trodden on my foot.
87. Sorry – You have just bumped into me and caused me to spill an entire tray of drinks.
88. Sorry – You have just fallen asleep on the tube and drooled on my shoulder.
89. Sorry – You have just smashed into the back of my car.
90. You look nice – You have never looked more beautiful.
91. Alright you fat wanker, what are you drinking? – You are my best friend and I love you.
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Versace Spring/Summer 2015 Campaign

 Photographed by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott


 
 
 



 

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Tuesday, December 02, 2014

V Magazine



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