Thursday, December 04, 2014

What British People Say v/s What They Mean

1. Blitz spirit – The collective quality of quiet heroism which enables us to withstand calamities such as a tube strike, hosepipe ban, or 5cm of snow.
2. Dunkirk spirit – Stoical and good-natured response to flooding, usually involving the stockpiling of sandbags.
3. Bank holiday – Three-day drinking binge.
4. Public holiday – Excuse for being pissed from lunchtime.
5. Christmas day – Excuse for being pissed by 10am.
6. Christmas break – Fourteen uninterrupted days of Baileys-soaked indolence.
7. Boxing day sales – Zombie apocalypse.
8. The bit between Christmas and New Year – Bizarre state of purgatory during which we rehearse for old age by shambling round the house asking each other what day it is.
9. Whose round is it? – I know exactly whose round it is.
10. Excuse me, I think I was actually ahead of you in the queue – You are loathsome and I am inwardly fantasising about your slow and agonising death.
11. No, no, after you – We are locked in a politeness vortex. This may never end.
12. Tea or coffee? – The choice you make will colour my opinion of you, possibly forever.
13. Milk, sugar? – Careful now: There is a right and wrong answer to this.
14. Milk, no sugar please – Is the correct answer.
15. Two sugars, please – I am a manual labourer.
16. I don’t drink tea – I am not to be trusted.
17. Fond of a drink – Raging alcoholic.
18. The odd tipple – I throw gallons of booze down my neck at every available opportunity.
19. Eurosceptic politician – Appalling racist.
20. Provocative newspaper columnist – Git.
21. Conservative MP – Git who went to Eton.
22. Doesn’t suffer fools gladly – Heartless bastard.
23. A bit of a character – Social pariah.
24. Did you find the place OK? – We will now have a painfully detailed five-minute conversation about the relative merits of different A roads.
25. Ooh, nice – You have just told me where you’ve been on holiday.
26. Ooh, nice – You have just told me where you live.
27. Ooh, nice – You have just told me what you had for lunch.
28. Ooh, nice – You have just told me your weekend plans.
29. – You have just unburdened yourself emotionally to me.
30. Well, we timed this well – We have made a car journey and experienced only moderate traffic.
31. What do you make of this weather we’ve been having? – We have nothing in common, but I’d like to avoid an awkward silence if at all possible.
32. Record-breaking temperatures – Middling temperatures.
33. Summertime – Two-week period of collective insanity during which men think it’s acceptable to walk down the high street with their shirts off.
34. Would you listen to that rain – There is nothing remarkable about this rain, but I’m going to mention it anyway.
35. You’re looking well – You’ve obviously been going to the gym, and I secretly hate you for it.
36. I think I’ve caught the sun a bit – My skin is roughly the colour of an overheating nuclear reactor.
37. Out of town shopping centre – Circle of hell.
38. High street – Row of bettin shops.
39. Town centre nightclub – Horrendous meat market.
40. Urban redevelopment – We’ve got a Zizzi now.
41. Where do you live? – How expensive is your house?
42. What do you do? – How much do you earn?
43. New money – Rich person I am jealous of.
44. Old money – Rich person I am deferential to.
45. Fine – I disagree with what you just said with every fibre of my being.
46. Nonsense. Don’t mention it – You have wronged me, and I will replay this incident in my head until the day I die.
47. Mustn’t grumble – Will definitely grumble.
48. Let’s agree to disagree – I loathe you with an intensity that will burn within my soul for all eternity.
49. With the greatest respect – I think you’re a total moron.
50. Let’s come back to that – Please do not speak in this meeting again.
51. Correct me if I’m wrong – I am 100% certain I am not wrong.
52. With all due respect – I disagree with your point of view entirely.
53. Sounds good – I wish this didn’t sound sarcastic.
54. Sounds great – Oh god, this sounds even more sarcastic, doesn’t it?
55. Yeah, go on then, why not? – I will be having another drink, if not several.
56. I’m fine – I am moments away from a devastating mental collapse.
57. I’ll bear it in mind – Let us never mention this again.
58. I’m sure it’s my fault – It’s your fault.
59. Chuffed – Experiencing heart-racing euphoria.
60. Not too bad, actually – I’m possibly the happiest I have ever been.
61. A bit miffed – I’ve been ripped apart by a tsunami of pain and sorrow.
62. Down in the dumps – Severe depressive episode.
63. Under the weather – Close to death.
64. Gutted – Suicidal.
65. Peeved – Consumed with rage.
66. Can’t complain – But I’m going to anyway.
67. Oh dear – A life-altering catastrophe has just occurred.
68. You must come round for dinner – Under no circumstances should you consider this an actual invitation.
69. Let’s meet up for a drink soon – This will never, ever, ever happen.
70. Something’s come up, I’m afraid – I’ve decided I can’t face an evening in your company after all.
71. Dinner party – Excuse for drinking lots of wine and shouting about how good Breaking Bad is.
72. Would you like a tour of the house? – Our house is worth a lot of money and we would like to show off about it.
73. House party – Overrated event during which acquaintances argue over what to play next on Spotify for four hours, then vomit on the sofa.
74. I’m going to Glastonbury – And I’m going to keep banging on about it until it makes you want to karate chop me in the larynx.
75. I’m going to Reading and Leeds – I used to be an emo and I can’t let it go.
76. I’m going to V Festival – I am the star of a second-rate scripted reality show.
77. I’m going to Latitude – I’m a Guardian reader.
78. I’m going to Bestival – I am a 40-something former raver.
79. I’m going to T in the Park – It’s 10 days away and I have started drinking already.
80. Mate – You are very much not my mate, and there is a strong chance I am about to punch you.
81. Mate – I didn’t catch your name when we were introduced, and it’s too late now to ask.
82. Matey – I like to think I’m a lovable salt-of-the-earth Cockney, despite having gone to Harrow.
83. Guv – I am a London cab driver, and will now tell you my views on immigration.
83. Fella – I think I’m Vinny Jones.
84. Bruv – I think I’m Danny Dyer.
85. Dude – I am trying very hard to sound American, and it’s really awkward for everyone concerned.
86. Sorry – You have just trodden on my foot.
87. Sorry – You have just bumped into me and caused me to spill an entire tray of drinks.
88. Sorry – You have just fallen asleep on the tube and drooled on my shoulder.
89. Sorry – You have just smashed into the back of my car.
90. You look nice – You have never looked more beautiful.
91. Alright you fat wanker, what are you drinking? – You are my best friend and I love you.

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