Thursday, December 04, 2014

What Londoners Say v/s What They Mean

1. London prices — Rip-off prices.
2. Sorry — I’m not sorry.
3. Sorry — You have just trodden on my foot, and I loathe you with every fibre of my being.
4. Excuse me — You have paused momentarily at the ticket barrier and I am boiling with rage.
5. My fault entirely — Your fault entirely.
6. I’m fine, thanks — I am barely managing to conceal a churning maelstrom of emotions.
7. How are you? — Fine. Just say fine.
8. See you Saturday! — Don’t forget to email me twice to make sure that we’re actually meeting on Saturday.
9. Let’s have lunch — Let’s walk to Pret and back as fast as we can.
10. I’m having a party in Wimbledon, come along — Please travel for four and a half hours as I live in the middle of bloody nowhere.
11. Open for business — Oligarchs welcome.
12. Centre of global finance — Money launderers’ paradise.
13. My commute? It’s not too bad. About average — It involves three modes of transport, takes hours each day, and is slowly crushing my spirit.
14. Could you move down a bit please? — I’m not asking, I’m telling.
15. Could you move down a bit please? — I am seconds away from a devastating mental collapse.
16. Could you move down a bit please? — If you don’t, I will start killing indiscriminately.
17. Due to adverse weather conditions — It was a bit windy earlier.
18. Due to the wet weather conditions — A tiny amount of rain has fallen.
19. Please take care when… — Don’t you dare blame us if…
20. We apologise for the inconvenience caused — Via the medium of this dehumanised pre-recorded message.
21. Due to a signalling failure… — Due to an excuse we just made up…
22. Rail replacement bus service — Slow, agonising descent into madness.
23. There is a good service on all London Underground lines — Though this very much depends how you define “good”.
24. Planned engineering works — That’s your weekend plans fucked, then.
25. Would Inspector Sands please report to the operations room immediately — Ohgodohgod everybody panic, we’re all about to die.
26. Annual fare increase — We’re rinsing you suckers for even more money. Again.
27. House party in Tooting? See you there! — South of the river? No fucking chance.
28. I live in Zone One — I am unimaginably wealthy.
29. The area is really up and coming — Only one tramp shouts at me in the morning.
30. Vibrant — Actual poor people live here.
31. Gentrification — I am so glad they’re rid of the poor people.
32. Gentrified — Oh bollocks now I can’t afford to live here either.
33. Efficient use of space — Microscopic.
34. Studio flat — Bedsit.
35. Incredible potential — Absolute shithole.
36. Affordable — Uninhabitable.
37. Deceptively spacious — Basically a cupboard.
38. Good transport links — There’s a bus stop 10 minutes’ walk away.
39. Authentic — Fake.
40. I just bought a flat — My parents just helped me buy a flat.
41. Swift half — Many, many, many, many halves.
42. Quick pint — In the pub until closing time.
43. We’re going on a date — We’re getting pissed together.
44. Picnic — Daytime piss-up.
45. Barbecue — Piss-up in the garden.
46. South London — Here be monsters.
47. West London — Here be posh people.
48. East London — Here be young people.
49. North London — Here be newspaper columnists.
50. Oxford Circus — Roiling hellscape.
51. Tech city — Bunch of startups you’ve never heard of.
52. London has some of the best restaurants in the world — So how come I always end up at Nandos?
53. London is full of cultural delights — Which I never visit.
54. Gourmet coffee — Ludicrously overpriced coffee.
55. Exciting pop-up restaurant — You guys like queuing, right?
56. We have a no bookings policy — We hate our customers.
57. This pub has character — This is not a gastropub, and I’m scared.
58. Traditional boozer — Pub that does not serve wasabi peas.
59. What do you do? — How much do you earn?
60. He works in finance — He’s a psycho.
61. He works in media — He’a a wanker.
62. He works in PR — He’s a bullshitter.
63. He works in tech — He’s got a blog.
64. Working hours — Waking hours.
65. Greatest city on earth — Apart from New York.
66. You know what they say: He who is tired of London… — I am so tired of London.

No comments: