Thursday, December 04, 2014

What People Say At Work v/s What They Mean

1. Breakout session – We will sit in a room and repeat very dull ideas.
2. As a team we need to break out of our individual silos – We all hate each other.
3. Let’s action this – I don’t understand the difference between nouns and verbs.
4. I’ll inbox you – I’m a bit of a twat.
5. Let’s take this offline – I’m a massive twat.
6. We wish X the best of luck in her new job – Burn in hell, traitor.
7. It’s been great working with you guys, and I’ll really miss this team – So long, suckers.
8. Our model is scalable – The company will either grow, or it’ll shrink. One of the two.
9. Skyrocketing revenues – Negligible profits.
10. Sharp uptick – Tiny, almost imperceptible increase.
11. CC – I am passive aggressively alerting as many senior people as possible to your fuck-up.
12. [On the phone] Could you put this in an email? – …Which I will ignore.
13. I’m going freelance – I miss daytime TV.
14. We are tax-efficient – We avoid paying tax.
15. I’m an SEO expert – I know how to put keywords in a headline.
16. I’m an analytics expert – I’ve got a Google Analytics login.
17. I’m a social media expert – I’m a bullshitter.
18. Ninja – Douchebag.
19. Community manager – Person who writes the tweets.
20. I’ve decided to step down – I’ve been given a massive pay-off.
21. We just had different visions for where the company was going – They found out I’d been embezzling funds.
22. In this brainstorm, there are no bad ideas – This brainstorm will be nothing but bad ideas.
23. Moving on to pastures new – Fired.
24. We’re restructuring the company – Everyone is fired.
25. We’ve brought in a team of consultants – Everyone is about to be fired.
26. You’re fired – I think I’m Alan Sugar.
27. By mutual agreement… – The boss thinks…
28. It’s time for a fresh challenge – I literally couldn’t stand being in the same room as you a day longer.
29. I can’t wait to get started! – I actually can, but everyone has to say this, right?
30. I’m taking a career break – I will be sitting in my pants watching Jeremy Kyle and crying for the next three months.
31. I’ve been offered a fantastic opportunity elsewhere – I’ve been offered more money.
32. Got time for a chat? – Prepare for the worst.
33. Can I have a word? – We will have many, many, many, many, many words.
34. Can I have a quick word? – I don’t have anything to discuss, I just like putting the fear of God into you.
35. Have you got a minute? – You’ve got a minute.
36. We need to develop a more agile workflow – We should probably stop titting about on Facebook all day.
37. Quick pint after work – Several pints after work, and quite possibly some shots too.
38. Merger – Excuse to fire everybody.
39. Following the restructuring, X will be taking on some additional responsibilities – We have chosen our fall guy and are setting them up to take all the blame for our fuck-ups.
40. Morning Team! – Everyone hates me.
41. Exciting new position – It isn’t an exciting position.
42. I’ve been recently reading the biography of Steve Jobs – I am not Steve Jobs and never will be.
43. Core values – Making money.
44. This is a really great opportunity for our business – We’re sooooooooo screwed.
45. I don’t think there’s ever been a more exciting time to be working in this field – We’re soooooooooo, sooooooooooooooo screwed.
46. The Chinese symbol for ‘crisis’ is a combination of the symbols for ‘danger’ and ‘opportunity’ – We are so profoundly screwed you wouldn’t believe.
47. Company awayday – Must we?
48. I know how to code – I know how to italicise things in HTML.
49. Let’s park this for now – Let’s never mention this ever again.
50. Welcome to the company, lovely to meet you! – Get promoted above me and I will cut you.
51. I’m an experienced manager – I bought a book from WHSmith on being a manager.
52. I’m working from home today – I’m not doing any work today.
53. I’ve got the lurgy – I’m hungover.
54. I’ve got man flu – I’m hungover.
55. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment – I’m hungover.
56. We should run this past legal – We should have someone else to blame in case this goes tits up.
57. It’s been a challenging year – We’re totally fucked.
58. We’re seeking new revenue streams – We’re broke.
59. We’re restructuring our financing – We’re broke but not ready to admit it.
60. The economic outlook is uncertain – The economic outlook is apocalyptic.
61. The company is perfectly positioned to meet the tough economic challenges ahead – The end is nigh.
62. It’s been a great year – For our shareholders.
63. The success we’ve had is down to every single one of you – We’re all getting bonuses. You’re not.
64. The door to my office is always open – I wish facilities would bloody fix it.
65. Happy birthday! – We’ve never spoken. Why am I signing this?
66. Pub after work? Can’t, I’ve got plans I’m afraid – I’ve spent quite enough time with you people for one day.
67. Anyone fancy a cup of tea? – Offer strictly limited to the three people in my immediate vicinity.
68. Nipping to the shops, anyone want anything? – Within reason. I’m not your fucking dogsbody.
69. What are you eating there? Looks nice – I’m on the 5:2 diet and I’m so hungry and miserable I could scream.
70. Cycled to work, eh? Good for you – You smug bastard.
71. I want more responsibility – I want a pay rise.
72. I’m giving a presentation – I’ve put some boring graphs together in PowerPoint.
73. In my last company… – What I’m about to say is totally irrelevant.
74. Team player – Has basic social skills, is not an outright sociopath.
75. This is beyond my remit – I can’t be arsed to deal with this.
76. I’ll take your ideas on board – I’ll steal your ideas and take credit for them.
77. He’s certainly ambitious – He’s appalling.
78. It’s been a pleasure working with you – I’ve forgotten you already.
79. How’s the wife? – I’ve forgotten your wife’s name.
80. How are the kids? – I’ve forgotten your kids’ names.
81. How are things at home? – I’ve forgotten everything about you.
82. How was your weekend? – It’s Monday or Tuesday.
83. What are you up to this weekend? – It’s Thursday or Friday.
84. …. – It’s Wednesday.
85. Come intern for us – Come work for us for no money indefinitely. It’s illegal, but hey.
86. He’s intensely results-driven – He’s a psycho.
87. Doesn’t suffer fools gladly – Merciless bastard.
88. He’s the office entertainer – Total wanker.
89. She’ll go far – She’s terrifying.
90. He’s straight-talking – Every other word is “fuck”.
91. Best wishes – I’m dying inside.
92. Regards – This job is slowly killing me.
93. Xxxxxx – I’m overly affectionate.
94. XOX – I’m zany.
95. :-) – I’m childish.
96. x – I typed this by mistake. Awkward.
97. Cheers! – I hate you!
98. Yours – Up yours.
99. Kind regards – Go fuck yourself.

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