1. Breakout
session – We will sit in a room and repeat very dull ideas.
2. As a
team we need to break out of our individual silos – We all hate each other.
3. Let’s
action this – I don’t understand the difference between nouns and verbs.
4. I’ll
inbox you – I’m a bit of a twat.
5. Let’s
take this offline – I’m a massive twat.
6. We
wish X the best of luck in her new job – Burn in hell, traitor.
7. It’s
been great working with you guys, and I’ll really miss this team – So long,
suckers.
8. Our
model is scalable – The company will either grow, or it’ll shrink. One of
the two.
9. Skyrocketing
revenues – Negligible profits.
10. Sharp
uptick – Tiny, almost imperceptible increase.
11. CC
– I am passive aggressively alerting as many senior people as possible to your
fuck-up.
12. [On
the phone] Could you put this in an
email? – …Which I will ignore.
13. I’m
going freelance – I miss daytime TV.
14. We
are tax-efficient – We avoid paying tax.
15. I’m
an SEO expert – I know how to put keywords in a headline.
16. I’m
an analytics expert – I’ve got a Google Analytics login.
17. I’m
a social media expert – I’m a bullshitter.
18. Ninja
– Douchebag.
19. Community
manager – Person who writes the tweets.
20. I’ve
decided to step down – I’ve been given a massive pay-off.
21. We
just had different visions for where the company was going – They found out
I’d been embezzling funds.
22. In
this brainstorm, there are no bad ideas – This brainstorm will be nothing
but bad ideas.
23. Moving
on to pastures new – Fired.
24. We’re
restructuring the company – Everyone is fired.
25. We’ve
brought in a team of consultants – Everyone is about to be fired.
26. You’re
fired – I think I’m Alan Sugar.
27. By
mutual agreement… – The boss thinks…
28. It’s
time for a fresh challenge – I literally couldn’t stand being in the same
room as you a day longer.
29. I
can’t wait to get started! – I actually can, but everyone has to say this,
right?
30. I’m
taking a career break – I will be sitting in my pants watching Jeremy Kyle
and crying for the next three months.
31. I’ve
been offered a fantastic opportunity elsewhere – I’ve been offered more
money.
32. Got
time for a chat? – Prepare for the worst.
33. Can
I have a word? – We will have many, many, many, many, many words.
34. Can
I have a quick word? – I don’t have anything to discuss, I just like
putting the fear of God into you.
35. Have
you got a minute? – You’ve got a minute.
36. We
need to develop a more agile workflow – We should probably stop titting
about on Facebook all day.
37. Quick
pint after work – Several pints after work, and quite possibly some shots
too.
38. Merger
– Excuse to fire everybody.
39. Following
the restructuring, X will be taking on some additional responsibilities –
We have chosen our fall guy and are setting them up to take all the blame for
our fuck-ups.
40. Morning
Team! – Everyone hates me.
41. Exciting
new position – It isn’t an exciting position.
42. I’ve
been recently reading the biography of Steve Jobs – I am not Steve Jobs and
never will be.
43. Core
values – Making money.
44. This
is a really great opportunity for our business – We’re sooooooooo screwed.
45. I
don’t think there’s ever been a more exciting time to be working in this field
– We’re soooooooooo, sooooooooooooooo screwed.
46. The
Chinese symbol for ‘crisis’ is a combination of the symbols for ‘danger’ and
‘opportunity’ – We are so profoundly screwed you wouldn’t believe.
47. Company
awayday – Must we?
48. I
know how to code – I know how to italicise things in HTML.
49. Let’s
park this for now – Let’s never mention this ever again.
50. Welcome
to the company, lovely to meet you! – Get promoted above me and I will cut
you.
51. I’m
an experienced manager – I bought a book from WHSmith on being a manager.
52. I’m
working from home today – I’m not doing any work today.
53. I’ve
got the lurgy – I’m hungover.
54. I’ve
got man flu – I’m hungover.
55. I’ve
got a doctor’s appointment – I’m hungover.
56. We
should run this past legal – We should have someone else to blame in case
this goes tits up.
57. It’s
been a challenging year – We’re totally fucked.
58. We’re
seeking new revenue streams – We’re broke.
59. We’re
restructuring our financing – We’re broke but not ready to admit it.
60. The
economic outlook is uncertain – The economic outlook is apocalyptic.
61. The
company is perfectly positioned to meet the tough economic challenges ahead
– The end is nigh.
62. It’s
been a great year – For our shareholders.
63. The
success we’ve had is down to every single one of you – We’re all getting
bonuses. You’re not.
64. The
door to my office is always open – I wish facilities would bloody fix it.
65. Happy
birthday! – We’ve never spoken. Why am I signing this?
66. Pub
after work? Can’t, I’ve got plans I’m afraid – I’ve spent quite enough time
with you people for one day.
67. Anyone
fancy a cup of tea? – Offer strictly limited to the three people in my
immediate vicinity.
68. Nipping
to the shops, anyone want anything? – Within reason. I’m not your fucking
dogsbody.
69. What
are you eating there? Looks nice – I’m on the 5:2 diet and I’m so hungry
and miserable I could scream.
70. Cycled
to work, eh? Good for you – You smug bastard.
71. I
want more responsibility – I want a pay rise.
72. I’m
giving a presentation – I’ve put some boring graphs together in PowerPoint.
73. In
my last company… – What I’m about to say is totally irrelevant.
74. Team
player – Has basic social skills, is not an outright sociopath.
75. This
is beyond my remit – I can’t be arsed to deal with this.
76. I’ll
take your ideas on board – I’ll steal your ideas and take credit for them.
77. He’s
certainly ambitious – He’s appalling.
78. It’s
been a pleasure working with you – I’ve forgotten you already.
79. How’s
the wife? – I’ve forgotten your wife’s name.
80. How
are the kids? – I’ve forgotten your kids’ names.
81. How
are things at home? – I’ve forgotten everything about you.
82. How
was your weekend? – It’s Monday or Tuesday.
83. What
are you up to this weekend? – It’s Thursday or Friday.
84. ….
– It’s Wednesday.
85. Come
intern for us – Come work for us for no money indefinitely. It’s illegal,
but hey.
86. He’s
intensely results-driven – He’s a psycho.
87. Doesn’t
suffer fools gladly – Merciless bastard.
88. He’s
the office entertainer – Total wanker.
89. She’ll
go far – She’s terrifying.
90. He’s
straight-talking – Every other word is “fuck”.
91. Best
wishes – I’m dying inside.
92. Regards
– This job is slowly killing me.
93. Xxxxxx
– I’m overly affectionate.
94. XOX
– I’m zany.
95. :-)
– I’m childish.
96. x
– I typed this by mistake. Awkward.
97. Cheers!
– I hate you!
98. Yours
– Up yours.
99. Kind
regards – Go fuck yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment